Our lads say the darndest things... ON OASIS "You pick up your guitar, rip a few people's tunes off, swap them around a bit, get your brother in the band, punch his head in every now and again, and it sells."-NOEL "We're not arrogant, we just think we're the best band in the world."-NOEL "Best Act today. Tomorrow. The day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that."-NOEL "If you don't want to be the biggest band in the world, you may as well pack it in."-NOEL
"I refuse to dance. And I can't dance anyway. I'm not in a band for that. It's about the music and that's it. I'm not an entertainer. But I do entertain people, see what I mean? You don't go to an Oasis gig because the singer's jumping around or because the guitarist does a great fucking windmill. You've seen one of the our gigs you've seen 'em all. But if you're into the music, you'll know that we played better the night before or we can play better."-LIAM ON EVERYBODY ELSE "They're just middle class bastards, the Chas-n-Dave of pop. They're a good comedy band. Well they make me laugh anyway."-NOEL on Blur "Boring bunch of fucking students. I'll kick their fuckin' heads in, man, because they're dicks."-LIAM on Radiohead. "That little twat, Eddie Vedder, I'd like to drop kick him in the face!"-NOEL "What, George Bush, has he started a band?"-NOEL wonders who Bush are "I don't think there's anything that cunt could say that would redeem him in my eyes."-NOEL on his pal Damon Albarn "He's a fat dancer from Take That. Somebody who danced for a living! Stick to what you're good at, that's what I always say."-NOEL on Robbie Williams
"The Barking Branches! Crazy Conkers! I'll rip his head off, that cunt. Calling me a daft punk, saying that I needed a good fucking crack: You and whose fucking army, you fucking ginger bearded bastard?"-LIAM on Mark Lanegan of The Screaming Trees "He's fuckin' cool. Supercool. He's got this wife and she's like, 24. And he's 69. It's like, you've got it going on, mate. You're with the fucking program. When I'm 69, I want to be like you-sitting at a piano, singing 'This Guy's In Love With You' to a 24 year old wife."-NOEL on Burt Bacharach "Hole. Just say that word. Hole. If you say it enough, it starts sounding like bitch."-NOEL "Well, I don't consider myself to be in the same mold as Michael Stipe. He's like, 'Oh, God, man, I suffer for my art!' And I'm like, 'Oh fuck off! Go and suffer somewhere else, but don't do it on fucking MTV when I got to watch you, ya cunt.'"-NOEL "I dig U2 but I don't give a shit about all that fucking fancy stage crap. It's bollocks, really. It's like you don't believe in your music enough. There's nothing better than five lads on stage or four lads...or twenty five lesbians just doing the bit. You get sidetracked and you end up not watching the show with that million pound fucking lemon in the air."-LIAM "I was looking forward to doing 'Country House', which would have entailed me going to the toilet with some laxatives, reciting the lyrics off a big lyrics sheet, and flushing the chain in sort of rapid succession."-NOEL says what might have happened had Oasis had to play a Blur tune on Radio 1 "Michael Hutchence! What's he doing presenting me with an award?...And what is Michael Jackson doing here, apart from to further his own career? That's crass, man. That fat idiot from Simply Red. What's he doing with 650,000 dancers on stage? Do me a fucking favour. What about fucking Bjork? And PJ Harvey? Annie Lennox? What's she done? Ever, in her entire life? Ever, ever, ever, ever? Let alone this fucking year."-NOEL backstage at the '96 Brit Awards "All these old farts, slagging us off - they'll be dead and buried by the time we start getting senile and shitting in our pants. And we can remember all their shit tunes. 'I've Got My Mind Set On You', 'When We Was Fab'. The quicker they fucking go, the better for everyone. Anyway, John and Ringo were The Beatles. Isn't It A Pity? It will be when I meet George Harrison. I'm gonna stand on his head and play golf. I'm gonna do me Roy Castle impersonation on his head So who wants a fight? Any old fart who's allowed out of the rest home wants a fight with me, yeah? After I've had me steak and kidney pie, I'll be ready. Do you want it? Any of you senile bastards want a ruck? I'll meet you in the pub, six o'clock. Yeah, it's unlikely, you never know, they might turn up. Whoof! I'll do the lot of them. That should be the headline: 'I'll do the lot of you.' I had a dream where I drop-kicked him in the throat, George, and smashed McCartney from here to Jupiter and back. He didn't have his seatbelt on. My name is disturbance. I love the music. I played the game. Thought I wasn't bothered. Then I thought - I do want it. Keith, Mick and any other old bag who decides to get out of bed in the morning to slag us off. Dirty old nipple. Sweaty old mushroom. I wanna meet you in the middle of Primrose Hill. Thursday afternoon, 12 o'clock, on the green. They say they got misquoted. I won't be misquoted. The main thing we're talking about here is this: any dick who wants it, regardless of what time or day or what shoes I've got on. Anyone who wants a rumble will get it because the man is mad for it and that's the end of it. I don't like fighting but you've not been slagged off like me. And there'll be no big chaps around, man. Just me and me dick, man. And I'll hit him with me knob. I've said I wanted to chill, but I've got loads of knobs picking on me anyway, so I might as well say - 'Let's have it!"-LIAM ON THE JOYS OF TOURING "I was walking into the hotel and this chair came flying past. Then another. And another. And I thought, it's going to be a good night tonight. Oh, it was beautiful man. I looked out the window the next morning and the car park was, like, full of bedrooms! It took a lot of doing."-LIAM "Whoever's throwing things like this on stage...like...if you don't like the music, fuck off! If there're any more coming on, I'm off. And you gotta deal with all these people here who are enjoying themselves. If you don't like it, go fucking hang yourself! Don't be throwing fucking stones on stage like this...I don't wanna go blind over some fucking dickhead! This one's called...this one's called Roll With It, dickhead!"-LIAM at Slane Castle "He [Liam] just starts to ask me questions during the gig. Like in Sheffield, the floor was split into two by this barrier, all these people squashed towards the front, and a big gap, and then all these people behind the barrier at the back. So in the middle of a song, he's going, How come there's a big empty space there? It's like, What the fuck are asking me for? I'm in the middle of this song in front of 12,000 people, you dick. Why don't you just get on with it? You should be doing your gig, you fucker."-NOEL ON AMERICA "They're wankers. They want grungy fuckin' people stabbing themselves in the head onstage. They get a bright bunch like us with deodorant on, they don't get it."-LIAM "They're off their tits here."-LIAM "I could walk out the hotel and probably stand in the middle of Broadway naked and everyone would go, 'Ah, who's he?'"-NOEL
"Americans are crazy. They have this fascination with throwing their shoes on stage. I've been to a lot shows in me life, some good and some bad. But I was never moved to take off me shoes and throw it at the lead singer."-NOEL
"I think the American public will always find something magical about five English boys with funny haircuts and funny accents playing rock-n-roll music. As long as the music's good. And our music's good, we've got funny haircuts and funny accents, it's all there, ain't it?"-NOEL MTV: Are there places in this country that you'd just as soon not travel to?
Noel: ehh...yes. Them places where, 'got any barbers where you come from boy? You boy's like country music?' Out there in, you know, them weird little truck stops you get to at like 6 in theh morning, everyone's on the bus going, 'fuck, I'm not going in there'. You know what I mean, he he, the chance of me going in there, there's old geezers with snakeskin baseball caps on backwards, chewing tobacco *pttt*. 'Where in the hell you'd get that accent from?' Noel orders a beer, the rest opt for lemonades and Cokes. Above us, the TV is on. CNN News. "Have you seen some of the stories they have on here?" Noel enquires. "Check this one I saw this morning. There's this guy who's 75 and he's got cancer. So his doctor tells him he's got about two years to live. So he thinks, 'Fuck it, I've always hated my wife, the stupid bag.' So he kills her. 'What the fuck, I've got nothing to lose.' Then he's put in jail but, the problem is, he doesn't die. He's 99 now and guess what he's doing?" Noel surveys our expectant faces. "Suing the doctor," he cackles. "He's taking him to court," he continues, pissing himself. "And he's saying, ' If it wasn't for what you told me I would never have killed my wife and now you owe me ten million pounds.' I'm sitting there thinking, 'I know I live in a mad country but it's not half as crazy as it is here.'" -NOEL in America
NOEL ON LIAM "Deep down inside even he is a nice guy. Both of him." "Sure I love Liam, but not as much as I love Pot Noodles." "Nobody gets Liam. Not even his wife gets Liam. Who would want to anyways?" "If I lived in America, I would have blown his head off by now and completely regretted it. Since I live in England, though, I just give him a black eye or something every now and again. I don't hate him, but fuck me, he pisses me off sometimes." "If I was a teenage girl, I'd think, Fuck me, he's really good looking.If I was a teenage boy, I'd think, If that cunt can do it, then there's hope for us all. But I don't understand why he appeals to me. Because he pisses me off." "Liam's leaving the band this very minute. Liam's ALWAYS leaving the band. It's raining today so he's leaving the band 'cos it's raining. [Imitating mithering brother] Why is it raining?&*#@! That's it! I've had enough of this, I'm going! I'm sitting there saying [cheerfully] See you then, bye! He threatened to leave in Minneapolis because I wouldn't go to a pub with him!" "I love the geezer. I love him. And I don't say that just because he's my brother. He makes me laugh. He's so surreal." LIAM ON NOEL "I don't think there is a difference between me and Noel. He's a cunt, I'm a cunt. Don't let him spin you; he's a cunt, I tell you. I'm the one who gets made out to be the cunt; but he makes me the cunt. He pushes me to that cunt zone." "Noel's up there next to John Lennon in my book" "I adore him. And if anyone bad-mouthed him I'd rip their fuckin' head off." "I rate him. I don't hate him. How could I? Except for days when I could hate anyone, including meself. He doesn't hate me, either. He'd have nothing else to write about, would he? And he lets me sing his songs. The best songs. I love him. He gave me a ticket to ride."
LIAM ON...WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S ON ABOUT REALLY?!! "If I saw an alien I'd tell it to fuck right off because whatever planet he came from they wouldn't have the Beatles or any decent fucking music. So they can fuck right off, I ain't going nowhere with them." "There was this bug in my room and I thought, 'you can fook off, this is my room'". "Discipline? I don't know the meaning of the word." "Because it's better than havin' a boyfriend!"-on why he grew a beard "I love hearing myself talk." "If a guy suddenly appears before me with a big beard and locks and all that caper and performed some fucking miracle, and then said to me, 'Liam, I am God' I'd say, 'Fair enough, it's a fair cop. I didn't believe in you but fair play, you've got me.' But until that day comes he can fuck right off." "Sausages for sale!"-greeting the fans "Would Jesus Christ have been a pervert if he'd had a crisp packet stuck on his head?"
"Shoes excite me, lager excites me, America excites me...[points to the stool he's sitting on] stools excite me. Everything excites me. I'm just one exciting young man."
"All this dance music these days is that same silly beat going DANK DANK DANK and some guy singing, 'We're all free'when you're not. It's shit. You go round someone's house and they put a tune on, and it goes DANK DANK DANK, and you sit there and have a cup of tea, and it's going DANK DANK DANK. I've got to slag it right off. It's doing my head in." "I'll tell you about the bible-there's no pictures in it. How can you buzz off a book, right, without no pictures in it? You've got to have one picture floating about. If there ain't no pictures in a book, you can fuck right off! I want to see Jesus getting off his tits and smashing the stalls up. I want to see Jesus walking on wine...or whatever, walking across water going, 'Waaahhyy, I'm a geezer.' But there's no pictures to prove it. So fuck right off. There's no pictures to prove that Jesus turned water into wine, I know he did and I know he's a geezer, but a book without pictures is a shit book." NOEL "Someone was playing a joke when they made me, you know, 'Let's make this guy a writer and a guitar player, but let's make him write with his left hand but play with his right, and let's have him born in the middle of May and give him a Christmas name like Noel, and let's make him a dodgy, schizophrenic, two-faced Gemini.' Cheers!" "If I ever get to go to the moon, I'll probably just stand on the moon and go 'Hmmm, yeah...fair enough...gotta go home now.'" "Spiderman used websites didn't he?" "I've got a double-necked guitar if he [Gem] starts getting too flash. And then I'll get a triple-necked guitar. And then I'll start wearing platforms, so at least I'll still be the biggest member of Oasis. Then I'll get platforms with fishtanks in the bottom." "Those plate glass windows are just saying, 'throw a chair through me'". "There's going to have to be times set aside for being, you know,daddy, and having fucking chocolate rubbed in my face." "I took about ten lessons, but the woman kept making me do a three point turn outside the local Comprehensive school in Slough and after about three days everybody twigged on that at about half-four knobhead was going to come round the corner in a Nissan Micra with a big triangular L on the top. How embarrassing! I'd pull in and all these kids'd go 'wooooooooooohey....' stalled the fucking car! After about two weeks I got really pissed off with it."-taking driving lessons
"I can run around naked with a toothbrush stuck up me arse -it's my house". "Don't lay a finger on me eyebrows or I'll sue you fuckers." "Spend hours walking around the bedroom with a pair of socks and shoes on holding stuff up going 'mmmmm, ahhhh, I fucking don't know about this yellow and brown!' Your shoes have got to match what colour guitar you're playing too. I had this black guitar and I was going 'Gem, I can't seem to dress with this guitar' and he was going, 'yep, black's the hardest guitar to dress with'. It gets very Spinal Tap." "It's like, it's full of French people, it's lousy."-enjoying a visit to France "The funniest thing was that the Queen's got her own bog at Number Ten, and I've had a shit in it. One of Blair's schleppers let me in. So only me and the Queen have ever shat in that bog, ever. Which is great, innit? A big Gallagher turd next to a royal one, floating through the U-bend."-recounting the highlight of his visit to 10 Downing Street "Shit'll happen when shit happens, and if shit don't happen, there'll be no shit happening." "You're asking if I'm happy? I've got 87 million in the bank, I've got a Rolls Royce, I've got 3 stalkers, I'm about to go on the board at Manchester City, I'm part of the greatest band in the world. Am I happy with that? No, I'm not! I want more!" "If you'd have been meant to have a hole in your nose you'd have been born with one. Yeah, I know that doesn't work, but fuck it! Goatee beards! That's the fucking worst. Goatee beards twisted round with elastic bands in them! Now that's out of order!" "I'd ban all state laws and just have one law: smoke where you want, drink when you want, whenever you want. Get the age of consent right down, legalize all drugs. Kill all the people who like grunge music, Kill all the surfboarders. Generally have a good time and anybody who wears a cowboy hat should go to the electric chair."-if he ran America
"I came up with the greatest excuse one day. It was actually my crowning moment as a liar. I used to spend a lot of time in my bedroom, playing guitar. I went to the shops for my mum, and I come back and she's found a bag of hash in my sock drawer, a big block of draw. So she says, 'I've just found this upstairs.' And right off the top of my head I went, 'Ah, well, you see, what that's for is wiping the strings on my guitar.' I said, 'Violin players use them.' And she said, 'Oh really?' And I went, 'Yeah, look,' and I got my guitar and rubbed all my strings with pot: 'It makes them sound better.' And she says, ' It does sound right an' all; it does sound better.' And I went upstairs and thought, 'You're a fucking genius.'" THE OTHER GUYS "Fucking hell, I didn't realise I had joined The Troggs."-ALAN, after witnessing his first Gallagher fight "I've got a chair in my house that I practice throwing out the window."-BONEHEAD "Guigsy's got grey hairs, Bonehead's going bald, Liam's having a ruck in the papers, what the fuck have I let myself in for?"-ALAN, shortly after joining Oasis |
