NME Fannish-Inquisition

And these are all nme.com readers' questions?" Liam asks nme.com. Yes. "Yeah, right! They're all from your editor," Liam snorts suspicously. Actually, he's wrong. They are all from you, the readers. Generated from nme.com, there were 800 submitted within the first hour. nme.com arrives this morning with over 3500 queries. Sadly, they will not all be answered. Noel Gallagher, Gem and Andy Bell were due to join us but Noel's got the flu, so we've postponed those three for seven days. For now, though, Liam and Alan are here in NW1 awaiting your questions. Shall we.....?

"Who's got the best haircut in Oasis?" - Brian Ashcroft

Liam Gallagher: Me. Because I shampoo and condition. And because I just have, alright? Who's this off, Nicky fucking Clarke? Vidal Sassoon? I fucking wash it, man, and that's why my hair's in such good condition. Alright?

nme.com: There's a lot of questions about Liam's hair. They want to know if you're going get it cut soon.

Liam: Yeah I am, I'm getting a Terrybarrygarry perm. Alright?

nme.com: Brian Ashcroft also wants to know 'Who has the best shoes?'

Both: Me!

Alan White: Me, without a doubt. I've got the best loafers.

Liam: Me, you cunt! I have the best shoes.

Alan: Sorry. My Prada moleskin loafers are top.

Liam: I don't know what mine are. I just know that mine are the best and that's the end of it. Who's that from? Brian Ashcroft? That's Dickie Ashcroft, you cheeky sod.

nme.com: What were the last pair of shoes you bought?

Liam: I got sent some shoes called Roots and they're made in the '70s and they're best shoes in the world.....I did buy a tasty pair of Docs the other day, though. 24 holes, the lot.

Alan: Red laces?

Liam: The lot, mate. Fucking top, man. I'm going out shopping later with them and a pair of pyjamas and the pyjamas tucked into me boots. 'Where's me paper'?

"If Patsy resumes her singing career at a later stage does Liam see yourselves recording albums together like John and Yoko? If so, in what style?" - Terry Makewell, Winchester

Liam: Definitely.

nme.com: What style?

Liam: Ragamuffin style.

"Has The Met Bar stolen your soul?" - Matt Aarons, Acton

Liam: No, that's not fair. It has stolen a couple of grand of me..

Alan: And I got slung out...

Liam: Has it stolen my soul? How? My soul is fucking preserved and waiting. But talking about souls, he can come round my house and I'll steal his if he wants it. 'Cos if he wants it I'll rip his right out of his chest. Alright, whatshisname, Matty boy.

"Are you scared of dying?" - The Gaslight, England

Alan: Never think about.

Liam: No, because I've already done it before. Done it a couple of times and it's a piece of piss. There is nothing to it, you just sit there and wait for it to happen. Big deal.

"Do you still want to meet the aliens and what would you tell them?" - Louie, Eastbourne

Alan: I'd like to meet them, if there's any out there. Well, there are loads out there. Have you met Noel Gallagher?

Liam: I'd tell them to mind their own fucking business and to get back to their own fucking planet.

Alan: See if they can lend you some money.

Liam: Yeah, 'fancy a lager?' And I'd ask them if they've heard fucking 'Be Here Now', you cunt, and if they haven't they can get down to Our Price, £2.99 in the bin.

"Did you mind Patsy posing in a see-through?" - Jay, London

Liam: No.

nme.com: Would you do a swimsuit shot?

Liam: Yeah. Speedo. Lunchbox hanging out, Duncan Goodhew cap on. Totally, man.

"Would John Lennon be an Oasis fan?" - J. Dragontree, Portsmouth

Liam: I reckon he'd hate it. He'd be going (adopts gruff Scouse Lennon voice) 'fucking, that's fucking mine there, gimme me fucking royalties on that there mate! You fucking pinched that off me you fucking little cunt! Get me lawyer round!' No, he'd probably hate us. Then again, who gives a fuck? He's a Scouser.

nme.com: So he wouldn't call his son Gallagher.

Liam: Would he fuck, the bastard.

"What are your favourite Pot Noodles?" - Craig Laughton, Widnes

Liam: Pot noodles......?

Alan: I don't eat the shit.

Liam: Fucking Westlife.

"Have you ever considered moving to America? - Jill Danson, New York

Liam: No. He has.

Alan: I have. To LA.

Liam: To get in the porn industry.

Alan: Well, yeah, for the porn obviously. I also like the heat and the beach. I could do it when we've disbanded for a bit.

Liam: He can do it when I've moved to Mexico.

nme.com: Are you moving to Mexico?

Liam: Yeah. I'm off next week. I've had enough of it here.

Alan: You can make sombreros.

Liam: Make what?

Alan: Make those hats.

Liam: I'm going to Mexico to make hats.

"Are Oasis entering their psychedelic period?" - Stephen Sequeria, Sacremento, USA

Liam: Maybe. What's psychedelic?

Alan: We've done it, probably, the psychedelic shit.

Liam: What is fucking psychedelic? Alan: I don't reckon you'd even know if you'd hit the psychedelic period.

Liam: You'd be too off your head to know you'd even hit the psychedelic period. If you're psychedelic you've got to be off your twat anyway. I certainly don't think The Beatles knew when they were being psychedelic, they probably think Sgt Pepper is a punk album.

"Who got the top bunk out of Liam and Noel" - Mark Flanagan, Bolton

Liam: Me. I was a good looking lad. Our kid always got the ugly ones.

"Do you believe in heaven and hell, and what are they like" - Bobbie Lane, Northhampton

Alan: I don't believe in any of that stuff.

Liam: I do. Yeah, man. But it is not red and it is not blue. It's just....fucking, I'll tell you: heaven is City and Maine Road, hell is Old Trafford and United.

Alan: Why have we got a tape of Ricky Martin in our offices?

"What is life all about?" - Ringo Mountbatten, Ilford

Both: WHO?

nme.com: Er..... Ringo Mountbatten.

Liam: This is an nme.com question here, this is Steve fucking Sutherland. Ringo Mountbatten? Ringo Mountfuckingbatten? That's what life is all about, stupid names like that.

Alan: I reckon it's about changing your name, Ringo.

Liam: Definitely. I hope that's answered your question, Ringo. Change your fucking name and move out of Ilford immediately.

"Who are your real friends?" - Claire Lange, Glasgow

Alan: Ringo Mountbatten is my only real friend.

Liam: I haven't got any, actually.

Alan: Me neither. They all fucked off.

Liam: Me'n'all. All fucked off.

nme.com: Aren't you lonely?

Alan: Nah, laughing mate.

Liam: Not fucking lonely. Can't be arsed with all this having loads of people to please.

Alan: They all get on your case. They all come out of the woodwork as soon as you're doing a Wembley gig. They get on the phone going 'Howsitgoingmate?' Fuck off!

Liam: I've got a few mates in Manchester, but you don't need mates when you've got a kid.

nme.com: Are you really friends with Hugh Grant?

Liam: Not really, no. I've had a few drinks with him and he's alright. But we're not the Likely Lads, no.

nme.com: There's a question here asking if your still friends with Robbie Williams?

Liam: We were never friends anyway. We might say a polite hello, that's it.

Alan: The occasional little drink.

Liam: Fair play to him. I think his music's rubbish but he's better than that other twat he was in a band with.

"What is your favourite jungle animal" - Tony Saunders, Manchester

Alan: I like tigers.

You join us midway through the Fani-ish Inquisition with Liam and Alan of Oasis and a pertinent question or two...

"What is left for Oasis to conquer?" - Helen Varley, White Lodge

Liam: Crack. Alan: We don't want to conquer anything. There's plenty of things for us to do, plenty of new tunes to write and play.

Liam: There's lots of shit for us to do, lots of countries we've not been to.

Alan: Ain't been to Poland.

Liam: It's not a question of conquering, not at all. We're just going to keep making music 'til we die. And if we conquer anywhere....conquer?! Fucking stupid. What are we, the Normans? William the fucking Conquerer? Off we go, don't forget the beans!

Alan: Set sail Oasis!

"What was the last movie that made you cry?" - Lindsay Bowlin, Maryland, USA

Alan: I'll tell you one and this is the fucking truth. Two Sundays ago I watched 'Life Is Beautiful', Italian film about the Jews. It was top and I cried.

Liam: Subtitles?

Alan: Mmmmm.

Liam: Fucking rubbish. What was the last movie that made me cry? Stupid question. I don't cry. I'm a geezer.

"You said that the new album would be radically different to Be Here Now?' What happened?" - Fergal Corbett, Talgarth

Alan: It is different. Two members have gone.

Liam: It is different, there's a lot of different stuff going on, and I don't think that I did say that because I don't use stupid words like 'radically'. Who's that cunt?

Alan: That's an nme.com question.

nme.com: It's not! It's Fergal Corbett.

Liam: FEARGAL CORBETT!?!?!?!

Alan: It's a wind-up. That's whatshisname.

Liam: That's fucking Steve Sutherland. Radically different.....we never said that so fuck off. The reason why this one is different to the last one is because you bunch of bastards hated the last one so we thought we'd change it, alright you cunt? I suppose you don't like this one now? Fucking make your mind up you bunch of cunts.

"Who's your favourite character from The Muppets?" - Jessica

Alan: Animal.

Liam: Kermit The Frog, innit.

"Did you take Andy Bell on because of his bass-playing or because of the brilliance of his previous groups Ride and Hurricane #1?" - Diemar, Berlin

Liam: Don't know about the latter.

Alan: We took him on because he's a nice chap, got his head screwed on and because he can play the bass well. What more do you need?

Liam: Actually, we took him on because of his striking resemblance to Mick Fleetwood. And 'cause he's good on the bass.

Alan: Mick Fleetwood? I thought he looks more like Rodney Trotter.

nme.com: Will you let him write stuff?

Alan: No, leave it out. Skint as it is.

Liam: I'll never get me house in Mexico if we start letting Andy Bell write our songs.

"Alex James recently said he gets on really well with the Oasis boys. Is that true?" - Serena, Athens, Greece

Liam: He's pissed.

Alan: Who, Aled Jones?

nme.com: Alex James.

Alan: I don't know him.

Liam: He's alright, he's one of those hooray henry boys. Hit him a slap every now and then and tell him to get to the bar. I wouldn't say he gets on well with us, though. The only thing he gets on well with is his yacht.

"Rumour has it that Noel is going to be doing a solo album after five...." -

Alan: Aaaaaaah.

Liam: He's already done four, give it a rest.

"....would you call it a day after six?"- Kate Eddon, Teddington

Liam: Depends on what's going on. Depends if we've got anything in the pipeline. When will the sixth be done?

Alan: It's only two, three years away.

Liam: Fuck that, I'm definitely carrying on. I'll be a sad old fart like the Rolling Stones.

"What's you favourite film, TV show and book?" - Rebecca G

Liam: Movie: Scarface. TV: Heartbeat. What's the other one, packet of crisps?

nme.com: Book

Liam: Book? Fucking arsed about books.

Alan: I like Meantime, top Mike Leigh film, always pull that out on a Sunday. I don't read many books. And TV show is fucking Eastenders, innit.

Liam: Nah, it's got to be Heartbeat. I'm double serious about that. It's fucking rocking Heartbeat, the way they have two stories going on at the same time. It does my head in. Greengrass? Mega, man.

Alan: He used to be in 'Who's the Gaffer?' He was top in that.

Liam: Selwyn Froggart? He's a geezer, man. He rocks, he's got a Jaguar. He's a fucking top man. I've followed his career all the way right from them early days.

Alan: Nice one, Selwyn.

"Has Liam really got a photographic memory as he once boasted" - Paula, Staines

Liam: Absolutely. Totally.

nme.com: Really?

Liam: What's a photographic memory?

"What three Premiership players would you have playing for Man City, money no object?" - Tim Barr, Knutsford

Liam: Three? Flo from Chelsea. That geezer from Arsenal, Thierry Henry. And Posh Spice.

Alan: I'm a Charlton fan..

Liam: He'd have Bruce Forsyth, George Formby...

Alan: We don't need any 'cos we'll be up next season anyway.

Liam: You like Nigel Winterburn.

Alan: Fucking Nigel Winterburn is the best defender in the world. I'd have Posh Spice too.

Liam: And Ringo Mountbatten.

Alan: Charlton are having it. We'll be back up next season.

Liam: Fucking rubbish. Straight back down again.

Alan: We'll do the double this year.

Liam: Don't be stupid.

nme.com: There's another question that wants to know if Rivaldo really deserves the world player of the year award.

Liam: Rivaldo? No. Who is he anyway?

Alan: He plays for Barcelona.

Liam: There's a lot of good players out there.

Alan: Like Winterburn.

Liam: Fuck him, the big nose cunt!

Alan: You watch the next Arsenal game, he's always there.

Liam: He's always there because he gets paid to always be there. He's shit and he's double lucky to be there at all. Nigel Winterburn is not the best player in the world. Best player in the world is..... Rivaldo. Why not, eh?

"Liam, why don't you wear a bit of eyeliner, you'd look absolutely stunning" - Siobhan Duffy, Ireland

Liam: Who's that from, Placebo? Eyeliner?!

nme.com: She says you'll look stunning.

Liam: Is that right? I look stunning already.

Alan: You'd look like Selwyn Froggart more like.

. "Alan McGee is always referred to as the man who made Oasis famous. Don't you think it should be the man that Oasis made famous" - David McCarthy, Aberdeen.

(round of applause)

Liam: Too right. Get in there, David, you are totally spot on and you are getting a Christmas card off me.

"What is Liam's fascination with Elvis?" - Robert, California

Liam: My fascination with Elvis? Just the wiping his arse with Gooses' (sic) necks does it for me, man. That just kills me.

Alan: What do you mean, wiping his arse with a goose's neck?'

Liam: That's what he did apparently. He'd have a big fuck off box of or bucket of gooses' necks that had just been chopped off and he's a proper yellowbelly from down South - (dixie accent momentarily) - 'that's me boy' and he'd wipe his arse out the window with gooses' necks. The dirty fucking....he is the king. That's what kings do, innit. You know what I mean? They do, don't they?

Alan: I'd much rather have a bit of Andrex or something.

Liam: Ah yeah, of course, but you're not the king are you. King. That's what kings do. He's mega man. And then he goes out there and the cheek of it, man. Wiping his arse and then going out there on stage and giving it all that (Elvis voice) 'huhhuhuhuh'. The fucking cheeky bastard. He's a geezer.

nme.com: Would you do that before going onstage?

Liam: I fucking would, mate. No, I wouldn't.

"Who would win a brawl out of you and The Rolling Stones?" - Jeff Hodgson, Regina

Liam: I'd knock fuck out every fucking one of them. Put together.

Alan: Even Charlie? Charlie’s a bit tasty.

Liam: Charlie’s alright, no. I don't mind Charlie.

Alan: Yeah, leave Charlie.

Liam: But if he wanted it I'd have him, know what I mean? But Jagger, Richards...Ron Wood's a bit of a geezer, actually. But them other two are fucking idiots as far as I'm concerned and I'd slap the pair of them. I might just do it next time I see them.

Alan: That will be when they support us at Wembley then.

Liam: Yeah, 'Big Lennon'. Just going to get me cigs. (opens door to office and shouts) What was that question? 'Do we plan to be working with Marcus Russell in the next two years?' Don't know about that! (Closes door, chuckling, and sits down). I enjoyed it immensely. I wouldn't go crazy about it though. It only took me ten minutes to do. I'm not a songwriter, I'm a singer. If there's any more in the pipeline then so be it. If not, never mind."

"What would you say to Tony McCarroll if you bumped into him in the street?" - Anil Rana, Calgary

Liam: Do you want to borrow a fiver? And have you learnt how to drum yet?

Alan (to nme.com): Are you smoking weed in our office?

nme.com: It's rolling tobacco.

Liam: He's on the Johnny Jazzers, him! (puts on Jazz Club voice in bad impersonation of nme.com and leans on the table) 'So, er, Liam, man, what do you think of the price of beans in Yugoslavia? Don't you think inflation is just bouncing about, man....has anyone got any crisps? Hey, should we just, like, take our clothes off and start running around the office shouting Happy fucking Mondays!' Pothead.

Alan: I was actually thinking about getting me hair permed like McCarroll, like The Mickies.

Liam: You big tease you.

"When will you be signing anyone to Big Brother?" - Mark Gustason, Rockford, USA

Liam: We're not signing anyone to Big Brother. So all those shitty little indie bands out there don't even waste your stamps or your indie jangly tapes. We're not signing anyone.

nme.com: There's going to be a lot disappointed bands out there because there's a lot of questions here asking that.

Liam: Fuck 'em.

Alan: We ain't signing anyone.

Liam: Do it like we had to do it, yer lazy bastards.

nme.com: Not even Cotton Mather?

Liam: Fuck that! If you start doing that then you turn into a record company boss and I don't want to do that. I'd have preferred not to have even started this label at all. And if starts interfering with what we're about then it'll get fucked off out the window. We're not record company bosses, it's just something that we had to do. It's just so we can put our shit out.

"Does Liam know how to play guitar or is he just winging it?" - Bernard Badjari

Liam: Winging it! To fuck.

Alan: Everyone's a winger in this band. We are the wingers.

(enter Marcus Russell) Alright Marcus?

Liam: This is top, Marcus! I love this.

Marcus: Good questions Liam: There's fucking loads of Steve Sutherland questions, loads.

nme.com: He hasn't even seen them!

Marcus: It must be 'cos he's such a fan.

Liam: There's a geezer in here called Ringo Mountbatten! He wanted to know what life was all about!

Marcus: Changing that name

Liam: That's what Alan said.

"What do you think of The Queen? Would you like to kick her arse?" - Cosmo Kramer

Alan: Fuck 'em.

Liam: She's alright.

nme.com: Would you kick her arse?

Liam: I don't hit women.

Alan: I don't like her but I wouldn't kick her, mate.

Liam: I couldn't give a fuck about the Queen. I think that people should get used to the fact that the royal family are here and that is the end of it. There's fuck all you can do about it. They're always going to be here just like.....the lamp posts. Like the white lines in the road. All these anti-royalists should fucking turn off their TV sets and go and do something useful with their lives. The reason why the royals are so important is because loads of pot heads go 'oh fucking hell, man, this is like, heavy, knowarrimean?' Shut up you dicks and ignore the silly cow and she might just stay in her house. The more publicity you give the bitch.....no, I love her.

"Did you think it was a bit strange Bert And Ernie living together?" - Matt Senuik

Liam: (Astonished) Fucking yeah! Mega. That is the best question ever, that.

Alan: Couple of fruits, weren't they.

Liam (amazed and impressed): Did you think it was a bit strange Bert And Ernie living together?! Brilliant that!

Alan: With their stripey tops and their big hooters?

Liam: Pair of fruits, man. It's Phil Smith and Mark Coyle.

"How do you feel about people down-loading your new album for free on the internet?" - Terry Thomas, London N1

Liam: I think it's scandalous.

Alan: Fuck all you can do about it.

Liam: Yeah but I think it's scandalous. They should get their hands in their pockets and get down the shops like the rest of us.

"Is Liam friends will Paul Weller, it always seems to be Noel who's seen with him?" - Damon Beckham, London

Liam: I have the odd livener with him, have a little chat with him. Top man.

Alan: I've known him the longest, he's a good lad. He put my candles down my toilet last time he came to my house. He's got a bit pissed on a few Stellas in the garden, next thing I go in the toliet and all my candles are in the bog!

Liam: He's a freak.

Alan: He's a crank. Flushed them down there.

Liam: He's trying to put the water out. (Weller-voice) Who done that big turd in there? Bung the candles in!

"Is Liam ever going to do a solo album?" - Jaswant Singh, Birmingham

Liam: I'm not going to ever do a solo album. And if I was I'd use Bert and Ernie. We'd be a power trio. I also want Rodney Marsh in there. He's fucking amazing. That programme on Sky Sports where he slags everyone off? Top. He is the geezer. I'd love to have a beer with him.

"What are better, Jaffa Cakes or Clubs?" - Pat Tinley, Burslem

Alan: I like Clubs.

Liam: I haven't had a Club for ages. I tell you what the best biscuits are, man. Those United biscuits. Remember them? Honeycomb in the middle and there were three parts to them. Blue and white wrapper. Fucking delicious, man.

Alan: I do like those Clubs with the bits of fruit in them..

Liam: Bert and Ernie nonsense. I'll tell you another top biscuit: garibaldis. They are proper boring as fuck but mega. And fig roll, man.

Alan: Fig roll?

Liam: Fig rolls are the bollocks, mate.

"Liam, are you really scared of going bald?" - Barney Hall, London

Liam: No. I'm going to settle this once and for all. I got asked the question 'what would stop me singing?" And I said I want to sing in Oasis until I die. And he said 'what if you lost your hair?' Look, if I lost my hair you would never see me on that stage again. 'Cos there's no place for baldness in rock'n'roll. End of it. How can I go onstage with a slaphead and get a point across. They get on my case enough as it is. They'd be wacking each other on the heads with truncheons and trying to copy me. I'm not paranoid about going bald. I would prefer it if I didn't lose my hair, but everyone's a little paranoid.

nme.com: Would have shave it off, comb it over, or wear a wig?

Liam: I'd just chop me head off.